(17) Amara George Parker: Heavenly Bodies
‘Welcome to another episode of Heavenly Bodies, the show where their end is our entertainment! Coming up on the show we have brand new residents of Heaven, Julie, and Moira, and we look back at our fondest contestant this year, Magnus!’
‘Ha! Ha! Julie! Great to have you on the show. So, let’s have a look at you trying to defend yourself from the intruder and…what is going on here, Julie, is that a… potato peeler you’re trying to fight the guy with?’
‘Ha! Yes, Ken, it is! I picked up the thing not having a clue what I was doing—I’m sure that much was obvious! But it was all I had to hand, and yes! Look! There he is with this gun!’
‘Haha! Now, Julie, Julie, none of us respect you less for that, I mean, not many of us can keep a cool head during our final moments. But, viewers, it’s what happens next that shames Julie about her choice of weapon! Play clip. Now, Julie…Julie, you know what? You tell this better.’
‘Aw, thanks, Ken. So, this guy looks at the peeler in my hand and says, Oh, sweetheart, you want me to show you how to actually do some harm with that thing? Now, of course, he has me tied up like a hog on the kitchen counter soon after that, so he has a little time to really get into the swing of things—'
‘Sensitive viewers may wish to look away now, folks.’
‘Yeah! Ha! Ha! So, he starts, yes, you can see there, god, he’s quite tentative at first, isn’t he? It’s almost sweet. And then, yes, there we go, he gets into it a bit more and pretty soon I look like I’m covered in some kind of grisly Christmas wrapping. Yes, see! My skin all curled up like ribbons!’
‘That’s quite a sight, Julie!’
‘It certainly is, Ken!’
‘And it must have taken quite a while to complete that masterpiece, wouldn’t you say? Or was your mind not on how long it was taking? Ha! Ha! Ha!’
‘Absolutely, Ken. All I could think about was—it’s so weird —how the colour of blood really suited my kitchen and how I should’ve had it painted red when I first moved in!’
‘Ha! Ha! Julie, that is hilarious. So then, tell us about what happens next.’
‘Yes. So… Things get a little bit more intense and, oh, Ken, do you mind? I might have to look away. No, no! I’m fine to carry on, it’s just the—ha! —dismembering makes me a little…squeamish. So glad they put you back together again at the Pearly Gates. Anyway, there I am in little pieces, and yes, that travel-sized smoothie of me in a blender! Nice of him to take something, makes it kinda special, you know? So that’s it I guess, and now here I am! Talking to you, and you fine folks at home!’
‘Wow. Wow. Just wow. Thanks, Julie. Thanks so much for opening up. Julie, everybody! Our third-ranking finalist in this week’s Heavenly Bodies, as voted for by you, the viewer. Now, who’s next? Ah, yes! I am so excited to introduce our next guest! Moira! Moira, darling, come here! Welcome to Heaven and Heavenly Bodies! We’re so excited to have you here as a guest tonight. Now, your story is quite unusual, wouldn’t you say? And we’re all dying to hear it! Ha! Ha! In your own words, tell us what happened. How did you die?’
‘Combine harvester.’
‘Moira, darling, speak up. You won’t even be heard by the angels with that voice.’
‘Uh, Accident. Combine harvester. Ran me over. Almost impossible.’
‘Ha! Ah…Kind of felt like that one could have been more amusing... Moira, stay away from Celestial Network, you hear? Your personality is crushingly dull. Let’s see who we’ve got next… Oh, oh! He’s one of a kind, he’s our guy, it’s Magnus! Now Magnus as you’ll recall got into a spot of bother while visiting a witch doctor in the south Pyrenees…’
Amara George Parker is a London-based writer, editor, and hedgewitch. Their short stories, poetry, and essays appear in or are forthcoming in such journals as Mslexia, Mooky Chick, Clover & White, Sufi Journal, Aeva, Daily Drunk, Sage Cigarettes, Prismatica, Earth Pathways, Human/Kind Press anthology, and as a regular contributor to A Writer in Morocco, where they write about the creative process.
To purchase their short fiction, read more of their poetry, and for editorial services, smudge sticks, tarot readings and much more, head over to their website: http://amaragparker.wixsite.com/agparker or follow them on Instagram and Twitter